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How to Choose your Spouse

The 5 important elements you need to consider when choosing your husband

Waiting for your spouse in singleness is one thing: you pray, you hope, you wonder. But when someone does come along, what do you do then? Should you just jump in his arms and be glad someone has come along so you don't have to be single anymore? I think not.

Let's look at five important aspects in choosing a partner, and why, biblically-speaking, they are vital for your future marriage:

  • Can he open up?

Communication and honesty are vital for any marriage or relationship, so watch carefully how he talks to you. Is it just surface-level and things that are easy to talk about? Or is he able to open up to you? If you upset him in some way, does he shut down and refuse to talk to you for a few days? That's certainly a red flag because it shows he will be difficult to communicate with when tension builds in the home. You need someone who is easy to talk to and who is not afraid of criticism. I should also mention on the other hand, that you also don't want someone who attacks you when you have a dispute.

Watch carefully how he behaves: does he blame you for everything and turn a disagreement into a potential reason to break up? You also don't want someone who blows things out of proportion and gaslights you to thinking it's always your fault. Look carefully at his character here: does he lean toward narcissistic behvaiour where he is constantly most important in every situation? Or does he merely push you aside until he calms down and then comes back as though nothing happened? Neither are healthy scenarios. Pray for discernment from the Lord and keep your eyes opened to who it is that you are speaking to. Is communication incredibly difficult, is it something good? Or at least does it have the potential to develop over time?

  • Can he provide?

As much as I hate to admit it (because I was always one of those people who would say this doesn't matter) but his financial situation is important. At the end of the day, we live life according to the word of God, and the Bible clearly states that the man is the provider. I'm not saying women should not have an income, but it is the man that we should be able to rely on consistently. He is known as 'the man of the house' for a reason.

So take a look at the mr: what is his job? What are his plans for the future? Does he seem careless with money or stingy? Of course, we all love the stories of two poor souls coming together despite their financial struggles and loving each other so much that money doesn't matter. And I'm not denying that that can happen. However, don't aim for it. Do what you can to create your own income. And when you meet him, of course, his financial situation is not the very first thing that matters as money can be earned and a career can be built any time. What matters is how he takes it. Does he have the potential at least to make a living? If he is hard working and diligent, if he truly cares about you and keeps his promises, then you can trust that he will be the provider of the house. But if he has no money, no savings and no interest in changing that, I'd say, keep walking.

  • Can he admit he is wrong?

We, as humans can be very proud. And pride in marriage is destruction. It creates a roughness and hurts both sides, so we need to seek a spouse that will allow themselves to learn, be open-minded and admit when they're wrong. Humility is the true strength of a man, not his weakness (as many would perceive). The world thinks being humble is weak and being proud is strong. But doesn't it take a much bigger and stronger man to bow down and apologise, than a man who will stand in front of all and say he has done no wrong? There is far more courage in the latter.

So pay attention: if you see that he has made a mistake or he hurt you somehow, take a closer look. Can he humble himself to apologise for hurting you? Can he see that the way he behaved was incorrect? Or does he completely disregard your feelings as unimportant? Yes, we all make mistakes, so sometimes we all deserve the benefit of the doubt. But when this point truly matters is when you've particularly communicated to them that something hurt you, and yet they go and do it again. How do they behave the second time? Sometimes when men are unable to say sorry, it means they may just end up taking you for granted. And imagine a lifetime of never being appreciated: it's quite a rough ride.

  • Does he show love and respect?

This is obvious but surprisingly, many women tend to become blind when they meet someone. Just because the man shows affection to them, it makes them think he is loving to all. But take yourself aside for a moment and watch how he behaves with others: his friends, family, strangers. Ask around. This is a man you're going to spend the rest of your life with, don't jump into it without truly doing your research.

And let's say you've dated for a while, does he still treat you with respect or is he a whole other person to who he was when you started? Of course, all couples start with the 'honeymoon phase' and it's normal to have your relationship's passion calm down after a while (and you want that, because your emotions will stop clouding your judgement, that's why you don't want to marry too fast). However, is love still present? Ephesians 5:25 says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church: are they always willing to make sacrifices? Are they able to put you first above their friends and work? Are they able to put themselves aside for you? Does he act on his love or just tell you he does (1 John 3:18)? When was the last time he brought you flowers just because? Pay close attention to who he is in his heart for all of it will play a role in your marriage.

  • What is his relationship with God?

The last and most important aspect of choosing a spouse is looking at their relationship with God. If this attribute applies fully, deeply and honestly, then all the previous questions asked in this post will be answered with a big, fat yes!

1 John 2:4 says that we need to obey God's commandments in order to prove that we love God. You don't want a spouse who is just a Christian because they go to church on Sundays or because their family is saved. You want someone who is truly dedicated to the Lord and has an active and alive relationship with Jesus. This is beneficial in so many ways. Think about it: if they truly love God, you will not only live in the peace of knowing your husband is saved, but you will have someone next to you who is kinder, more patient, more loving and in a daily, positive and lift-induced influence of Jesus. Matthew 19:6 says that we are joined as one flesh when we are married, so it is your responsibility to seek and pray for a man whose first priority is Jesus. This is because when you are joined together, you are two sides of one body. And each side influences the other. You don't want someone who influences you to swear, to bad attitudes, to quick temper and distance from the church. You want the other side of you to influence you for the better, to push you to greater love, more compassion, higher standards of living and of course, more time with the Lord.


Know that no man is perfect, so these points are not a way to get you to look for the perfect man, because you'll be left disappointed. It's about knowing what you strive for, and reminding yourself the importance of your husband's influence on your life. And this counts even if you are already married. The beautiful thing is that we can change through Jesus, so if you are already wed and your husband doesn't seem to adhere to these important elements, start praying, believing and envisioning what the Lord strives for in a godly marriage.


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